thewhitelily | Feeling like a bad friend

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Feeling like a bad friend

I’m new to this whole friendship thing.

Apart from Hubby, I’ve been pretty much a loner all through my life. I had a couple of friends in primary school, but in hindsight they weren’t so much best friends as people who enjoyed having someone follow them around. I was socially useless before I decided to shift the goalposts and claim victory by redefining my social life to include the Internet. Not-so-coincidentally, I started managing to fake it face to face.

Dealing with people is still intensely confusing, immensely tiring, and unbelievably time-consuming, but I was considerably more useless before I discovered that I could express myself in the written word if I gave myself long enough to try. (Come to think of it, my relationship with Hubby only developed in the first place because we started exchanging email.)

But I just can’t help but feel so inadequate for the task of being a friend.

I find it hard enough to deal with friends on the surface level – remembering to spend time with them, remembering to ask them how their week/month/year was, remembering that it’s actually important to stop procrastinating and pick up the darn phone or write the darn email. I care about the answers – I want to talk to them, I want to spend time with them... it's just something that slips my mind because doing so takes so much more effort than not doing so. And because I procrastinate the important until it's urgent, and these things almost never become so.

But

iviolinist's post this morning regarding the responses of some of her friends to her mention that she was down reminded me of an incident where I failed a different friend. I googled for "Friendship for Dummies", more in desperation for a laugh than anything else, and their number one tip is the golden rule: "treat others like you would want to be treated". Which sounds fair enough, but it just doesn't work for me.

When my father died in early high-school, the teachers arranged to have a small busload of “friends” to come to the funeral. They hadn’t realised, of course, that I didn’t actually have any friends, and in fact I didn’t even know the names of some of the people they’d managed to round up. It was quite possibly the worst thing they could have done in the situation. My memory of being hugged by one of these big-hearted, well-meaning strangers is one of the more intense I have. I was already off balance by the situation, and I hadn't had time to steel myself, so the feeling of wrongwrongwrong was so strong that it actually translated to physical pain in my mind. My palms were sweaty, my heart was dancing to some kind of techno beat in my chest, and my vision was tunnelled and my head swelling like a balloon because of the way I was hyperventilating. I suppose, at least, the panic attack got my mind off the fact that my father had just died.

If my husband died, I don’t think I’d even want to hold a funeral, although I guess I’d have to. I wouldn’t want people to come and talk to me; I wouldn’t want people to hug me or try to comfort me; I wouldn't want to have to deal with thanking everyone for their sympathy. It’s not that I don’t feel the emotions, because I do – it’s just that my emotions are a private thing. Unless I choose to share them with someone, they’re mine, and the last thing I would want is someone hunting me down to make me talk to them. No matter how much they care, or how much they can relate, I would just want and need every friend I had to go the hell away until I had the energy to deal with them on top of everything else.

I don’t understand why other people want what they do from me in that situation, because I wouldn’t want it from them. But I’m still a good listener when people approach me – at least I'm told I am. If someone wants to rant about something that’s going on in their life, I'm very happy to make appropriate sympathetic/enquiring noises until they get it all off their chest. If they’ve got a problem, I can ask rational questions, play devil’s advocate, and throw their own words back at them until they reach a solution - or at least become slightly more at peace with the idea that there isn't a solution.

I like hearing about people’s troubles. I’m interested in them, I care deeply about what’s going on with them, even if I can't express that very well, and I don’t want people to stop feeling they can vent to me and lighten their burden a little by sharing it. I like knowing they trust me enough to tell me – although in general it probably means less for them than it would for me in the same situation. It makes me feel closer to them. It makes me feel good to listen, because it’s something I can do, something that I know how to do, because once they’re talking it’s straightforward to work out what they need me to do next. It makes me feel like I’m actually helping, in some small way that I’m capable of managing, because I can sublimate my social anxiety and gibbering internal terror and just try, because nothing I have is a good enough reason to not be there for someone if they want me - and if they want me, then I must be doing okay, all in all. It’s good for not only the person I’m talking to, but for myself. I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

It’s the rest of it that gets to me. The time before that point, and after that point, where I’m aware there’s a problem - or find out that I wasn't aware there was a problem - and I know I’m just not helping because I’ve got no idea how I can help. I find out that someone I’d considered quite close has been going through something big all by herself for the past few weeks, and is upset and angry with me because - after I found out through someone else - I continued giving her the space I assumed she wanted. Or I chase someone down with advice and sympathy that only makes things worse because they never wanted to hear it from me in the first place.

How can I tell? Where’s the guidebook for the completely the utterly socially inept who’ve learned to fake it well enough to inexplicably find themselves with friends depending on them? It's certainly not "Friendship for Dummies". How do I know whether to just sit there until someone approaches me or whether to chase them down? Do they understand the amount of mental energy it takes to psych myself up to making an unsolicited phone call? Is it just me, or does everyone suffer days of nausea, nightmares, and panic attacks that recur even years afterwards, whenever something reminds them about such an incident that didn't work out perfectly? How can I be sure enough that I’m going to do the right thing to stop myself from avoiding even thinking about it, and put in the Herculean effort required to do anything at all? Why didn’t she just ring me rather than sitting around feeling even more rotten all weekend because I hadn’t called?

And how can I stop feeling so selfish for making everything, even other people’s troubles, all about me?

It’s just so hard sometimes, guessing, and dealing with the consequences of having guessed wrong. I can’t help thinking that it was a whole lot easier to be a hermit. At least then I didn’t feel so bad about being so bad at all this stuff and letting people down.

Maybe what I really need is an old fashioned etiquette guide, so I can feel more confident with some the rules of engagement, and can be considered excruciatingly polite rather than uncaring. Maybe I just need my friends to understand that this is who I am, and that I'd love to be there when they need me, if only they'd help me out in understanding when they need me in the first place. That I'm not trying to be a bad friend, I just... need their help, sometimes, figuring out how to be a good one.

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Once your friends know you well enough, they'll come to accept who you are. Those friends of mine who've known me long enough don't get angry at me because I never call - they know me by now. They don't necessarily understand just how difficult it is to pick up a phone and say hi, even to someone I've known for a over a decade, but they know that I'm still a friend, that I give a damn. Your friends will realise this too.

Thanks. Some of my friends, I know, do understand this already - mostly because they're also introverted. But you're right, even the extroverts will eventually learn to deal, even if they never fully understand how I can have such a problem with things they find so easy. I'll just have to be patient. And patient, I can do. :)

I share your sentiments completely. In fact, next time I feel a socially inept person, I'll link to this post in my journal. :P

Do they understand the amount of mental energy it takes to psych myself up to making an unsolicited phone call?

Exactly! I always get this feeling of "there's nothing *important* to say, they why calling?" when I think of doing it, and it always keeps me from doing it. Don't you hate it?

You what we should do? We should start an online group of 'friendship for the socially inept' or something like that, in which everyone shares the members' personal stories, you know? To give it that real-life friend feeling, and not having to retell one's story every time one needs to vent their problems. And so, when you need a friend, you just pick a name on the list. Of course, this would require of a high level of commitment and disponibility, and of course, trust from the members, etc.

I wish there was a way to end with loneliness without having to change one's personality.

In fact, next time I feel a socially inept person, I'll link to this post in my journal. :P
Haha, feel free. I'm glad to hear I managed to strike a few notes of parallel. :)

Exactly! I always get this feeling of "there's nothing *important* to say, they why calling?" when I think of doing it, and it always keeps me from doing it. Don't you hate it?
Absolutely! My life's just not interesting enough - at least as far as things I can ring people up and say "Guess what? Blah!" are concerned, because they wouldn’t understand if I said that I've been made gmod at the Orions, or judging starts in four weeks, or I've written another ten sentences on my crossover, or that I've procrastinated another three days without doing so, or that I’ve eliminated another five errors standing in our way before the office can upgrade to the next compiler version, or... any of the things that I actually spend my time on.

But I don't think that's the root cause, because I still have the same problem, even if there is something obvious to say. Like 'Happy Birthday!' or 'How was your stay in hospital?' The list starts running through my head: What if her husband answers? What do I say in that awkward pause after we've exchanged hellos but before I can ask to speak to her? What if I get the answering machine and make a blithering idiot of myself on tape? What if she's busy? Oh, it's about dinner time, isn't it - maybe I should call in half an hour or so. What if they're having a party? What if she actually answers? What will I say then? What if I get flustered and forget to say 'Happy Birthday' at all? What if she gets annoyed that I can't remember how old her kids are? What if I've got mixed up and it's actually yesterday? But then again, what if it's that answering machine? And I’ve got all this stuff to do, I’ll just do that for a few minutes, before I… [three hours later] That's right, I need to call X, don't I? Ah, well, it's after midnight, too late now. I’ll have to find time tomorrow…

It's just that unreasoning fear - even with people I've known my entire life - that seizes on "there's nothing to say" as a convenient excuse.

And do you know what I’ve just realised? That little voice? It’s the Inner Editor of Life! Damn you, inner editor! Even now, when I have spent a month proving my worth without you, you mock me! Do you think we could start NaPhoCaMaMo, (National Phone Call Making Month) and cast him out, if just for a short time?

Is it me, or did you just describe LJ? ;) Seriously, that's what I think's so cool about LJ - you can rant away, whenever you want to, without intruding on a particular friend at a particular time, without having to worry that they're busy with someone or something else. Your friends respond, if they can, if they've got time, if they're in the mood, if they've got something to say - and you know that even if they don't say anything, your regulars have probably at least partially read it. It's like... the virtual conglomerate friend that you never - well, hardly ever - have to worry about whether you’re bugging. :)

*omgfacepalms at her longtypedness*

NaPhoCaMaMo

LOL, perhaps we should! I know of several people who would be surprised of getting a phone call from me. :P

Is it me, or did you just describe LJ?

No, you're right. I didn't realise it until you said it. It's practically the friend system in LJ, which is why I have grown so fond of this place, I guess. :)

*nods* Like, in RL, I... urgh. I categorize all social actions in my head, with sorta webs of reactions that are appropriate in the circumstances. Like, when someone tells a joke, it's not my instinct to laugh, I have to think about laughing. Like... urgh. I don't know. The emotion will be in my head but it won't express without conscious thought. So basically, I suck at any sort of thing in RL as far as expression is concerned. I never ever ever know what to do in situations when someone's down or something and they're actually in front of me. I'm... sorta better on the net since there's not this big barrier of Physical Cues looming in front of me, but it's still a little weird since then there's still somewhat of a barrier between emotional response and then the actual action since I still have to think through it a bit... it's almost reflex to do things like *grin* or lol or *glomp*, but then when there's new situations I have to muddle with old ways of dealing things in my head much the same as I have to do in RL.

So, I get a bit of it.

(Um, and if this post was also vaguely referring to me at all, please don't fret or anything?) ~~Point in case for awkwardness.~~

The emotion will be in my head but it won't express without conscious thought.
I totally know what you mean by that. You have to keep remembering to respond on the outside, too. Although I’m told I have an excellent poker face. ;) It varies, with me – with some people it’s more pronounced than others. The other big thing for me is remembering to respond to social cues. (Like after a discussion of their “how are you”, it’s polite for me to ask how they are. *rolls eyes at self*)

I'm... sorta better on the net since there's not this big barrier of Physical Cues looming in front of me
*laughs* And, of course, no one’s expecting you to interpret all the minute differences between “I’m fine (ask me askmeaskme)” and “I’m really, actually fine”.

It’s wonderful, isn’t it? It’s like an equaliser – everyone’s got that same barrier of emotional response to actual action, because it’s got to be typed out or it’s not there. But you’re used to actually going “Emotion, what are you? Okay, I’ll do X.” (And now I’m thinking of Anne McCaffrey’s brainships, which were the brains of crippled babies who grew up learning to manipulate a ship instead of a body, and possibly the coolest sci-fi idea ever.)

(Um, and if this post was also vaguely referring to me at all, please don't fret or anything?) ~~Point in case for awkwardness.~~
(Not at all, my dear. ‘Twas someone else entirely. But thanks. :) )

I would only like to add that it's helped me a lot to dive headfirst into psychological types, especially the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, to understand the different ways people around me answers to environmental stimuli, and what they expect from me. I've learned that not everyone wants the same mechanical reaction to, for example, the well-known "I'm fine", or "What is it?", and that a way to keep them satisfied is to give them the answer in their own language (body and speech).

~~That one of the few things this job has taught me, if there's any. ;P~~

Damn. There was a neat explanation of each of the functions a while ago, but it seems they took it off. But still, an interesting reading, mind you. :)

Meyer-Briggs rocks. I'm an INTJ, which is a fairly common type - at least among my circle of friends! I know at least five other INTJs, mostly among my family, and I only really know the occasional otherwise. I actually looked into it quite a bit as a characterisation aid - if I know one or two characteristics of a person I can decide whether they're a ESTJ or a ENTJ, etc, and get some predictions of other personality traits. But I've never really considered Meye-Briggs as more than a momentary "how cool" thing - I generally learn by trial and error - as the above demonstrates. But hmmm... I should have another look around - maybe I can find that "To chase or not to chase" guide after all. :)

Meyer Briggs remains half voodoo as far as I'm concerned, however. It's obviously better than astrological charts, but putting real people in boxes is always going to lead to faulty assumptions about how they work, etc. (Of course, that's apparently a very INTJ thing to say, so... *headdesk*)

In any case, if it gives me a guide that's going to be right more of the time than I would otherwise be... rock on! ;)

INTJ rocks! I'm one, too, or at least, half of the time, because the other half, I apparently trust my senses rather than my intuition (ISTJ).

But yeah, Myers-Briggs is, at most, a guideline. There are environmental issues to consider in the honing of a personality, methinks. :) And I think Keirsey-Bates kinda fixed some stuff that was wrong with M-B, but I'm not quite sure...

(Oh, by the way, INTJ is *not* that common, with only a one percent or so of the population being one...)

What if I get the answering machine and make a blithering idiot of myself on tape?
This is the reason I don't call people I know have answering machines. Ry has an answering machine, but I know if he doesn't pick up by time it clicks on, he's not home. I never leave a message on anyone's answering machine, and people get mad at me for it. Rather, there is only one person I call unless I *need* to call them, and that's Ry, because he's the only one that knows:

no one’s expecting you to interpret all the minute differences between “I’m fine (ask me askmeaskme)” and “I’m really, actually fine”.

He DOES. And of course, on the net, no one expects you to do so. They have to explain it. And I'm much less inclined to go "I'm fine" when I'm iming someone like you or Alde, then the AUTOMATIC REACTION you have when someone asks "How are you?" They expect to hear "I'm fine, how are you?" not, "I feel like [insert negatively connotative word here]. I really want to ignore you, but I'm not going to because that wouldn't be polite. Can you please just go away?"

Back to the Ry part though. He knows my quirks. He knows the difference between Hello. and Hiya! or I'm okay, how was work? and Awe I missed you, I hope work went okay today! How are you? How's your grandma? Did you see your mom today? Or even in person. I'm fine. *looks at shoes, ruffles through purse, twirls a curl around a finger* and Eh, I'm okay. I actually ate this morning! Ew look at your hair! Here, where's my comb, lemme fix that for you.

But anyway. You shouldn't have to worry about that. Especially the feling selfish part. Because really, if those people weren't selfish themselves, they wouldn't make such a fuss about you not calling. In fact, they would CALL YOU FIRST because they have taken an interest in you and they *know* that you're not the person who calls first.

*laughlaugh* I think I'm used to if cause dah bf was an introvert. the mother is an introvert. and every friend I've ever been *good* friends with have been intoverts. me on the other had, is the complete opposite. I have a connection with those kind of people that other people can't understand. *shrugs*

This is the reason I don't call people I know have answering machines.*laughs* I'm actually more likely to call people with an answering machine. As long as I psych myself up before making the call for the idea that it *could* be the answering machine, and get what I have to say all lined up... it means that they have to call *me* back, and I don't have to go through the whole psychpsychpsych thing to get myself to call again! Hurrah!

Because really, if those people weren't selfish themselves, they wouldn't make such a fuss about you not calling.Yeah, it's not that she made a fuss - she really didn't. But when I'm actually getting the social cues of "damnit I'm really hurt" overlaid in her voice, I know she must have been pretty upset by it. It's not that she yelled at me or something that makes me feel bad - it's knowing that I hurt her, that I made a difficult time worse for her by not being able to get over myself, and that even though I sent her a big bunch of flowers to apologise and I'm pretty sure she's forgiven me, I still can't take back those two days she felt miserable. In a sense it's also jealousy from me, because in those two days I wasn't there she was surrounded by other friends who were there for her, and I can't help but feel like it should have been me - only it's all my fault that it wasn't.

I think I'm used to if cause dah bf was an introvert. the mother is an introvert. and every friend I've ever been *good* friends with have been intoverts. me on the other had, is the complete opposite.*laughs* It's nice being friends with extroverts. It's like... taking a walk on the wild side every time you're with them. :)

Lily, your true friends love and accept you exactly as you are. You can't possibly know what's going on in everyone's life all the time. There is a fine line between Real Friendship and Phony Friendship. We have a Real friendship. Don't feel bad about not calling people - I don't call people much either. I'm simply not a phone person. My friends know that about me and that's why they're used to get massively long e-mails instead. ;-)

Don't worry about being a bad friend! You're an awesome friend and I'm so grateful to have you in my life -- even if it is through cyberland. :-)

Thank you, my dear, it means a great deal to have you say that. You were my very first online friend, the very first person with whom I felt a deep connection despite never having seen your face, and I still feel it now. I also consider our friendship very Real, no matter how long it is since I stopped writing HP and bugging you with constant emails! :)

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Feeling like a bad friend

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