All certainly very different from your normal stuff.
1. Love the overall theme of it, and the rhyme is pretty well sustained, if particularly noticeable. As a whole piece, I really like it.
Con-crit: all the stuff I've read on poetry has driven home the message that you need to make your images as original as possible. If you write metaphors that come from somewhere other than your head, it doesn't matter how brilliant your *idea* is, it'll get lost in the cliche. And there's no image that's unique enough that it pulls me into the poem. Anywho, not sure if you were really going for imagery, or just narrative, so. Punctuation confuzzled me, but oh well.
2. Concept has, as you know, been done; but some of the imagery was tres tres pretty. (Hence, confusion as to why it was weaker in the poem.) Feels like it should be a well-written literary novel, rather than a short. Reminded me a little of something like To Kill a Mockingbird or The Painted House (John Grisham) -- i.e. set in the deep south (though I'm guessing this is Aus), where life is simple and BIG at the same time. Didn't quite get enough feel for the characters to make me *want* to guess.
Me thinks maybe you should try writing something a bit more literary for your next nano.
3. Pretty inventive and solid. Got a smile from me. I think I've read the paper-work scene. You were writing it an age ago, and you were trying to figure out which Britis swear to use.
no subject
1. Love the overall theme of it, and the rhyme is pretty well sustained, if particularly noticeable. As a whole piece, I really like it.
Con-crit: all the stuff I've read on poetry has driven home the message that you need to make your images as original as possible. If you write metaphors that come from somewhere other than your head, it doesn't matter how brilliant your *idea* is, it'll get lost in the cliche. And there's no image that's unique enough that it pulls me into the poem. Anywho, not sure if you were really going for imagery, or just narrative, so. Punctuation confuzzled me, but oh well.
2. Concept has, as you know, been done; but some of the imagery was tres tres pretty. (Hence, confusion as to why it was weaker in the poem.) Feels like it should be a well-written literary novel, rather than a short. Reminded me a little of something like To Kill a Mockingbird or The Painted House (John Grisham) -- i.e. set in the deep south (though I'm guessing this is Aus), where life is simple and BIG at the same time. Didn't quite get enough feel for the characters to make me *want* to guess.
Me thinks maybe you should try writing something a bit more literary for your next nano.
3. Pretty inventive and solid. Got a smile from me. I think I've read the paper-work scene. You were writing it an age ago, and you were trying to figure out which Britis swear to use.
Anywho, good job.